Ah life.
who can really explain it? I don't think artists, nor poets, nor scientists, could really explain how it all works. It is truly a mystery.
So I know that since I was quite young I've had big dreams... big ideas... I always felt like Belle (there must be more than this provincial life!) ha- remember that song from Beauty & the Beast? But she's right! There has to be more! And I've know it since before money could have ever had its grip on me. I've always know this life is big and that its going to be a great adventure. Why shouldn't it be?! Why would I settle for a 9-5 a white picket fence and a cute little dog? (though right now a cute little dog sounds nice!) I'm not saying I dont want nice things, I just never want to settle! I never want to get comfortable with just being okay... I want to feel like a child until the day I die! Even if I die at the age of 100! I want to have a life full of dirt and tears and scratches and loving and bare feet! I don't think that's too much to ask!?
So I have always believed I need to dream big... well I have told some people my dreams...but tonight I tell you all... here are my 2 biggest dreams that always weigh heavy in my heart:
-open an orphanage. love many children. help rebuild. give hope
-start some sort of sex trade rehabilitation thing. for the women...who have been caught in the horrible industry. help them learn a skill so they can work to make honest money instead of working as prostitutes.
I know these dreams are CRAZY big...like INSANE...but wasn't building an arc? Or crossing the red sea? or feeding 5000 with a couple fish? God did all of that and if he has installed big dreams in my heart I believe He's going to help either me carry out these dreams or help someone else to do it. As long as I am involved.
I like dreams. I like when they come true. It's a little bit of heaven coming to earth.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
Earnestly I Seek Thee
I don't know what's going on.
It's not a bad thing. It's just confusing.
You know when you see a small child and they can't make sense with their speech yet, but you can tell they so badly want to understand you? Well that's sort of how I'm feeling right now. I understand English, but I'm trying to understand God right now and I can't.
The last month has been a roller-coaster of up's and down's and I've been afraid of just getting comfortable again, which I guess is what's happening, prayer doesn't happen as frequent, time spent worshiping considerably less, and our bible reading...Ha its horrible.... I think we have like 20 chapters to catch up on! With all this being said, I can feel God pulling me in....I have this urge like none other inside me thats just saying "I NEED YOU".
The problem here is I'm not sure how to get close to God...do we work well just in a quiet place reading the bible? (and if this is so where do I open up? that book is like thousands of pages!) Do I go outside and listen to worship music? Do I attempt a worship song on my guitar? Do I pray? Do I read Godly books? Tell me Lord how you want to speak to me. I guess if worst comes to worst I could try all of the above and just see what He is trying to tell me.
Man....being Jesus's friend is alot of work.
I'm glad its such a good friendship to have though. And I guess he does do alot for me too ;)
Okay- Time to chill with Jesus!
It's not a bad thing. It's just confusing.
You know when you see a small child and they can't make sense with their speech yet, but you can tell they so badly want to understand you? Well that's sort of how I'm feeling right now. I understand English, but I'm trying to understand God right now and I can't.
The last month has been a roller-coaster of up's and down's and I've been afraid of just getting comfortable again, which I guess is what's happening, prayer doesn't happen as frequent, time spent worshiping considerably less, and our bible reading...Ha its horrible.... I think we have like 20 chapters to catch up on! With all this being said, I can feel God pulling me in....I have this urge like none other inside me thats just saying "I NEED YOU".
The problem here is I'm not sure how to get close to God...do we work well just in a quiet place reading the bible? (and if this is so where do I open up? that book is like thousands of pages!) Do I go outside and listen to worship music? Do I attempt a worship song on my guitar? Do I pray? Do I read Godly books? Tell me Lord how you want to speak to me. I guess if worst comes to worst I could try all of the above and just see what He is trying to tell me.
Man....being Jesus's friend is alot of work.
I'm glad its such a good friendship to have though. And I guess he does do alot for me too ;)
Okay- Time to chill with Jesus!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
A Quick Rant.
American Apparel.
simple. nice clothes. fairly made. soft core porn.
how is this acceptable? I remember back when all I bought was their shirts and their hoodies because it was all made fairly and not by sweat shop kids, and they're ads were always risk-ay but now its a whole new level.
I feel ashamed when I look at their site because it's so explicit. I feel bad for christian guys who wanna look at buying shirts because it's a trap for men to just look and lust at boobies... I mean come on society, do I really need to see her bare breasts if I wanna buy those leggings? WHY ARE HER BOOBS IN THE PICTURE IN THE FIRST PLACE! I WANT PANTS NOT HER NIPPLES. It makes me SO MAD and SO FRUSTRATED that we've allowed this.
sorry for the rant. I just had to express how disappointing I am in the models who allow this and the advertisers who think we need to see T & A in every shot. I think your in the wrong industry...
simple. nice clothes. fairly made. soft core porn.
how is this acceptable? I remember back when all I bought was their shirts and their hoodies because it was all made fairly and not by sweat shop kids, and they're ads were always risk-ay but now its a whole new level.
I feel ashamed when I look at their site because it's so explicit. I feel bad for christian guys who wanna look at buying shirts because it's a trap for men to just look and lust at boobies... I mean come on society, do I really need to see her bare breasts if I wanna buy those leggings? WHY ARE HER BOOBS IN THE PICTURE IN THE FIRST PLACE! I WANT PANTS NOT HER NIPPLES. It makes me SO MAD and SO FRUSTRATED that we've allowed this.
sorry for the rant. I just had to express how disappointing I am in the models who allow this and the advertisers who think we need to see T & A in every shot. I think your in the wrong industry...
Monday, September 12, 2011
My Knight in Shining Armor
Oh God.
You know when you want to be so close to God but it always feels like your never close enough? Like no matter how hard you try you still feel so far away. It's sin. It stops you. It's been stopping me. Not that I've been stealing or telling big lies or that I'm stuck in some huge sexual sin... it's just little things... little things that get in my way. It's the laziness at 6am. It's the turning to Lady Gaga instead of worship music. It's the "it doesn't feel like home" excuse when trying to find a church.
Can I tell you that I wake up at 6am... I could wake up at 7, except I wake up an hour earlier because I LONG to be close to him and decided to spend 30 minutes with Him in the early hours and then 30 to reading the news (because I think I'm getting old or something) but it makes me sick to think I spend the whole hour reading the news, slowly getting breakfast when I could be getting to know the one who will never stop loving me. This is sin.
The good thing about bad things that happen in life is that it opens your eyes. Well a bad thing happened not so long ago, a thing I'd rather not get into but just know it's a sin. But in all the hurt and anger and pain and tears of this sin.... I have felt God just saying.... Just come close. I just want you...that's it.... thats what He's trying to tell me and I keep saying to Him, maybe later.
I am thankful for this season of my life...it's been a while since I've been in a valley. Too long have I pretended to be on a mountain top when really I think I've been in the lowest valley but just not admitting it. Well He showed me I am here, and that I can't do this alone... that I truly NEED Him. I don't want to get to the mountain top yet. I want to just let my Jesus wrestle with me down here. I think He has alot to teach me. To show me.
All I know for 100% certain is that He really really loves me. Just because. Not because I deserve it. But because He loves who I am. It's time for me to learn how to love me again, and let Him love me and learn to love Him back with all my heart.
Father. Hold me close. Don't let me go. Teach me to pray. Trust. Learn. Grow. Love. Give. Heal.
Please keep pursuing me... My knight in shining armor...My Jesus my Saviour.
Monday, July 4, 2011
half a year gone. half a year to come
WOW! July. already. but i just blinked and winter was gone. I remember hearing when I was younger "time fly's the older you get" but seriously, if it's going this fast already no wonder people go senile! I can't imagine time going faster then it already is!
So here's whats already happened in 2011.
I moved to Toronto, started hair school, got married.. ha i feel like that is a big enough thing just on it's own! But yea, it's been a crazy year thus far, with moving and still not being able to find a church yet, or friends, so Toronto's been okay but it doesn't feel like home. Hair school has been great! I love learning new things and with a whole new field I never even dabbled in before, I'm learning SO MUCH! I am liking it too, to be able to create such a geometric and precise shape into someones hair and it translates into a beautiful hairstyle that creates happiness for my guests has been amazing! I love every day at school because I continuously learn something new, whether about hair, or life, or people, it's been great!
And last but not least I got married!!!!!!! Being married to my best friend has been the greatest thing that has happened yet! It's so much fun just hanging out with someone who loves you so much. Cooking together, reading, watching movies, walks in the rain, cleaning, late night talking, camping, it's all so much fun. I can't wait for the rest of our lives together to be able to continue the journey.
So half of 2011 has been great, full of love, learning and celebration... lets see what the other half has to offer!
I will graduate school at the end of October and what God brings in my path after that is still unknown, but I'm excited for the endless possibilities of where it will take Jordan & I. Maybe travel, or moving, missions, maybe to stay in Toronto, but it's in God's hands and I am excited for what He brings us next!
Bring it on 2011! What do you have for me?!
So here's whats already happened in 2011.
I moved to Toronto, started hair school, got married.. ha i feel like that is a big enough thing just on it's own! But yea, it's been a crazy year thus far, with moving and still not being able to find a church yet, or friends, so Toronto's been okay but it doesn't feel like home. Hair school has been great! I love learning new things and with a whole new field I never even dabbled in before, I'm learning SO MUCH! I am liking it too, to be able to create such a geometric and precise shape into someones hair and it translates into a beautiful hairstyle that creates happiness for my guests has been amazing! I love every day at school because I continuously learn something new, whether about hair, or life, or people, it's been great!
And last but not least I got married!!!!!!! Being married to my best friend has been the greatest thing that has happened yet! It's so much fun just hanging out with someone who loves you so much. Cooking together, reading, watching movies, walks in the rain, cleaning, late night talking, camping, it's all so much fun. I can't wait for the rest of our lives together to be able to continue the journey.
So half of 2011 has been great, full of love, learning and celebration... lets see what the other half has to offer!
I will graduate school at the end of October and what God brings in my path after that is still unknown, but I'm excited for the endless possibilities of where it will take Jordan & I. Maybe travel, or moving, missions, maybe to stay in Toronto, but it's in God's hands and I am excited for what He brings us next!
Bring it on 2011! What do you have for me?!
Monday, March 7, 2011
blast from the past
So I needed to write a little more today.
I took a day off today, no wedding planing, I did however finish a project, but it was fairly easy and kinda fun, but I didn't really do much. I sat on the couch in the sun and just loved it.
While on the computer a friend skyped me that I haven't talked to in a long time, well we got talking about pasts, and present, and we talked about friends and family, and she mentioned a few people she knows really struggling with life. It was hard hearing all this bad, but she herself was doing so good and looking at all the good God is doing in her own life and not dwelling on the negative things around. So it was good talking to an old friend, but hard hearing the sadness in peoples struggles.
Later in the day I skyped with another old friend, again, great to catch up but I learned some sad things. This certain friend was what I thought to be a strong believer of God, someone who saw God and saw things He does/did for others and herself. She had good friends, faithful family, church, but when I spoke on the phone with her she told me she was contemplating her faith. She still believes there is a God, but as far as the Bible and miracles and stuff she seemed so unsure. My heart wrenched the whole conversation, but all I could do was to love on her. To tell her I was not condemning her for her feelings, and I encouraged her to continue searching for answers.
Today was hard because God showed me a feeling I have yet to feel... this gut wrenching, heart in your throat type feeling. When your eyes sting and your hands sweat and you feel so helpless. Not knowing what to do I called my soon to be mother in law for just comfort and strength and she pointed out something that is lingering in my head. She told me if this is what I feel, imagine how HE feels... wow. yea. so I hurt a lot...how does God feel... these are His hurting children. I am seeing it everywhere lately, children falling away not knowing what they believe, not knowing what they stand for anymore, pretending like the miraculous life they live is just chance and not created by our Father! So while we were talking I felt like if I am hurting like this for these people around the world, then this huge hurt is there for a reason (not just because I am a mushy suck and cry at every sappy movie) but the hurt is there because maybe (well not maybe most most likely) God is calling me to stand the gap for these people... "me?... God...you want me to pray for these people? How can I possibly do ANYTHING to help?" But he does want me to help. I can feel it. And I want to help these people find the truth again... And I will be praying hard for it.
So if your one who is contemplating your faith, your not sure what YOU believe anymore... ask God, look in the Bible, just listen to your conscience, look at your life, good and bad, you KNOW you were created with divine purpose and love.
and if right now your just reading this to read it and love God and follow Him... I urge you right now to take a few minutes and pray for the lost, pray for the confused, the wondering... pray that their eyes be opened and that the only answer is God.
And thank you God for always keeping me close to you... you let me get close to that edge of the cliff... you trusted your little girl... it must have been tough seeing your daughter so close to danger when you didn't want her that close, but you let me make my choices. You don't force me to love you, you allow me to. You didn't force me to open my eyes, you helped me. I thank you for all the hard lessons I've learned in my life thus far and I just pray you continue to guide me through the right paths and help others along the journey. Love you daddy :)
I took a day off today, no wedding planing, I did however finish a project, but it was fairly easy and kinda fun, but I didn't really do much. I sat on the couch in the sun and just loved it.
While on the computer a friend skyped me that I haven't talked to in a long time, well we got talking about pasts, and present, and we talked about friends and family, and she mentioned a few people she knows really struggling with life. It was hard hearing all this bad, but she herself was doing so good and looking at all the good God is doing in her own life and not dwelling on the negative things around. So it was good talking to an old friend, but hard hearing the sadness in peoples struggles.
Later in the day I skyped with another old friend, again, great to catch up but I learned some sad things. This certain friend was what I thought to be a strong believer of God, someone who saw God and saw things He does/did for others and herself. She had good friends, faithful family, church, but when I spoke on the phone with her she told me she was contemplating her faith. She still believes there is a God, but as far as the Bible and miracles and stuff she seemed so unsure. My heart wrenched the whole conversation, but all I could do was to love on her. To tell her I was not condemning her for her feelings, and I encouraged her to continue searching for answers.
Today was hard because God showed me a feeling I have yet to feel... this gut wrenching, heart in your throat type feeling. When your eyes sting and your hands sweat and you feel so helpless. Not knowing what to do I called my soon to be mother in law for just comfort and strength and she pointed out something that is lingering in my head. She told me if this is what I feel, imagine how HE feels... wow. yea. so I hurt a lot...how does God feel... these are His hurting children. I am seeing it everywhere lately, children falling away not knowing what they believe, not knowing what they stand for anymore, pretending like the miraculous life they live is just chance and not created by our Father! So while we were talking I felt like if I am hurting like this for these people around the world, then this huge hurt is there for a reason (not just because I am a mushy suck and cry at every sappy movie) but the hurt is there because maybe (well not maybe most most likely) God is calling me to stand the gap for these people... "me?... God...you want me to pray for these people? How can I possibly do ANYTHING to help?" But he does want me to help. I can feel it. And I want to help these people find the truth again... And I will be praying hard for it.
So if your one who is contemplating your faith, your not sure what YOU believe anymore... ask God, look in the Bible, just listen to your conscience, look at your life, good and bad, you KNOW you were created with divine purpose and love.
and if right now your just reading this to read it and love God and follow Him... I urge you right now to take a few minutes and pray for the lost, pray for the confused, the wondering... pray that their eyes be opened and that the only answer is God.
And thank you God for always keeping me close to you... you let me get close to that edge of the cliff... you trusted your little girl... it must have been tough seeing your daughter so close to danger when you didn't want her that close, but you let me make my choices. You don't force me to love you, you allow me to. You didn't force me to open my eyes, you helped me. I thank you for all the hard lessons I've learned in my life thus far and I just pray you continue to guide me through the right paths and help others along the journey. Love you daddy :)
twenty eleven
so it's the year 2011 and it is already flying by. Today as I was procrastinating on my homework (heh heh) I talked with a great friend from bible college back in 2006, Hey Liberty! She's having her first baby after being married with her great husband A.J. and I'm so happy for them! But talking to them made me sad to think I dont spend enough time keeping in touch with old friends. And since I think facebook is the creepiest thing I've ever seen, I feel a bit disconnected with old friends. So this is a shout out to all you people who have touched my life and been a part in some way or other! I hope if your reading this you'll take time to email me and we can set up a skype date and just catch up! I'm sure there's so many cool things I could learn about your life and visa versa! So call me! lol
I also went and grabbed my camera...something I don't do enough anymore, and saw so many great pictures from last summer!
Last fall my love surprised me with a treat I've wanted for a while... picking my own apples at an orchard! He took me and paid and it was great! We went through a corn maze (and answered all the trivia questions about farming haha) and saw pumpkins and picked so many apples so I could make a great apple turnover for bible study! mmm
We also decorated our parents houses with corn that we...stole...from some random fields...whoops... bad I know...but it was SO FUN! ha they won't be missing the 15 somewhat stalks we took...lol sorry farmers... but it looked so festive on our homes!
But I love just looking back and seeing all the good times we've had, we're so silly and goofy it makes me excited for all this silly times to come!
Love you Jordan!
I also went and grabbed my camera...something I don't do enough anymore, and saw so many great pictures from last summer!
Last fall my love surprised me with a treat I've wanted for a while... picking my own apples at an orchard! He took me and paid and it was great! We went through a corn maze (and answered all the trivia questions about farming haha) and saw pumpkins and picked so many apples so I could make a great apple turnover for bible study! mmm
We also decorated our parents houses with corn that we...stole...from some random fields...whoops... bad I know...but it was SO FUN! ha they won't be missing the 15 somewhat stalks we took...lol sorry farmers... but it looked so festive on our homes!
But I love just looking back and seeing all the good times we've had, we're so silly and goofy it makes me excited for all this silly times to come!
Love you Jordan!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Ahem Ahem...
Wow... so yeah, blogging is not really my thing I guess seeing as I can't even do it on a regular basis!
Well I guess life just got busy...with...stuff... but seriously, it's been busy.
So- at the end of December Jordan (my best friend and boyfriend!) proposed to me after 2 years of dating and I couldn't be happier! We are going to get hitched April, 23, 2011 and I am counting down the days!
So yea, that's pretty big news, also I have moved out for the FIRST time in my life. When I traveled to Montana, and Australia I was just temporarily moving away, I had a suitcase and my room at home was always still there... well now, I have no room at home, which is sad in a way (and horrible cuz when I go home I sleep on the floor) and so good in other ways. I'm finally on my own, no parents, no rules, no worrying about making loud noises at night (not that I'm up late since I go to bed at like 10pm for school!) but it's just much better. I do love being on my own, but I can't wait for Jordan to get here.
Life has been a bit hard in Toronto, the big city. I know no one and I haven't found my, spot, or thing, or people. Looking for a church has been hard because I know no one to give me advice on where to go and the ones I've been to we either not welcoming enough or just had no young people for me to make friends with, and I think that's important.
School is great on the other hand! I went to hair school knowing NOTHING about beauty, style or hair and I'm acing every test and doing well on every cut and colour so far! So I can't wait to get more practice and see where this takes me.
So I guess that's it for now.
Tam
Well I guess life just got busy...with...stuff... but seriously, it's been busy.
So- at the end of December Jordan (my best friend and boyfriend!) proposed to me after 2 years of dating and I couldn't be happier! We are going to get hitched April, 23, 2011 and I am counting down the days!
So yea, that's pretty big news, also I have moved out for the FIRST time in my life. When I traveled to Montana, and Australia I was just temporarily moving away, I had a suitcase and my room at home was always still there... well now, I have no room at home, which is sad in a way (and horrible cuz when I go home I sleep on the floor) and so good in other ways. I'm finally on my own, no parents, no rules, no worrying about making loud noises at night (not that I'm up late since I go to bed at like 10pm for school!) but it's just much better. I do love being on my own, but I can't wait for Jordan to get here.
Life has been a bit hard in Toronto, the big city. I know no one and I haven't found my, spot, or thing, or people. Looking for a church has been hard because I know no one to give me advice on where to go and the ones I've been to we either not welcoming enough or just had no young people for me to make friends with, and I think that's important.
School is great on the other hand! I went to hair school knowing NOTHING about beauty, style or hair and I'm acing every test and doing well on every cut and colour so far! So I can't wait to get more practice and see where this takes me.
So I guess that's it for now.
Tam
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)