Earnestly I Seek Thee

I don't know what's going on.

It's not a bad thing. It's just confusing.

You know when you see a small child and they can't make sense with their speech yet, but you can tell they so badly want to understand you? Well that's sort of how I'm feeling right now. I understand English, but I'm trying to understand God right now and I can't.

The last month has been a roller-coaster of up's and down's and I've been afraid of just getting comfortable again, which I guess is what's happening, prayer doesn't happen as frequent, time spent worshiping considerably less, and our bible reading...Ha its horrible.... I think we have like 20 chapters to catch up on! With all this being said, I can feel God pulling me in....I have this urge like none other inside me thats just saying "I NEED YOU".

The problem here is I'm not sure how to get close to God...do we work well just in a quiet place reading the bible? (and if this is so where do I open up? that book is like thousands of pages!) Do I go outside and listen to worship music? Do I attempt a worship song on my guitar? Do I pray? Do I read Godly books? Tell me Lord how you want to speak to me. I guess if worst comes to worst I could try all of the above and just see what He is trying to tell me.

Man....being Jesus's friend is alot of work.
I'm glad its such a good friendship to have though. And I guess he does do alot for me too ;)

Okay- Time to chill with Jesus!

A Quick Rant.

American Apparel.

simple. nice clothes. fairly made. soft core porn.

how is this acceptable? I remember back when all I bought was their shirts and their hoodies because it was all made fairly and not by sweat shop kids, and they're ads were always risk-ay but now its a whole new level.

I feel ashamed when I look at their site because it's so explicit. I feel bad for christian guys who wanna look at buying shirts because it's a trap for men to just look and lust at boobies... I mean come on society, do I really need to see her bare breasts if I wanna buy those leggings? WHY ARE HER BOOBS IN THE PICTURE IN THE FIRST PLACE! I WANT PANTS NOT HER NIPPLES. It makes me SO MAD and SO FRUSTRATED that we've allowed this.

sorry for the rant. I just had to express how disappointing I am in the models who allow this and the advertisers who think we need to see T & A in every shot. I think your in the wrong industry...

My Knight in Shining Armor

Oh God.

You know when you want to be so close to God but it always feels like your never close enough? Like no matter how hard you try you still feel so far away. It's sin. It stops you. It's been stopping me. Not that I've been stealing or telling big lies or that I'm stuck in some huge sexual sin... it's just little things... little things that get in my way. It's the laziness at 6am. It's the turning to Lady Gaga instead of worship music. It's the "it doesn't feel like home" excuse when trying to find a church.

Can I tell you that I wake up at 6am... I could wake up at 7, except I wake up an hour earlier because I LONG to be close to him and decided to spend 30 minutes with Him in the early hours and then 30 to reading the news (because I think I'm getting old or something) but it makes me sick to think I spend the whole hour reading the news, slowly getting breakfast when I could be getting to know the one who will never stop loving me. This is sin.

The good thing about bad things that happen in life is that it opens your eyes. Well a bad thing happened not so long ago, a thing I'd rather not get into but just know it's a sin. But in all the hurt and anger and pain and tears of this sin.... I have felt God just saying.... Just come close. I just want you...that's it.... thats what He's trying to tell me and I keep saying to Him, maybe later.

I am thankful for this season of my life...it's been a while since I've been in a valley. Too long have I pretended to be on a mountain top when really I think I've been in the lowest valley but just not admitting it. Well He showed me I am here, and that I can't do this alone... that I truly NEED Him. I don't want to get to the mountain top yet. I want to just let my Jesus wrestle with me down here. I think He has alot to teach me. To show me.

All I know for 100% certain is that He really really loves me. Just because. Not because I deserve it. But because He loves who I am. It's time for me to learn how to love me again, and let Him love me and learn to love Him back with all my heart.

Father. Hold me close. Don't let me go. Teach me to pray. Trust. Learn. Grow. Love. Give. Heal.
Please keep pursuing me... My knight in shining armor...My Jesus my Saviour.