My Knight in Shining Armor

Oh God.

You know when you want to be so close to God but it always feels like your never close enough? Like no matter how hard you try you still feel so far away. It's sin. It stops you. It's been stopping me. Not that I've been stealing or telling big lies or that I'm stuck in some huge sexual sin... it's just little things... little things that get in my way. It's the laziness at 6am. It's the turning to Lady Gaga instead of worship music. It's the "it doesn't feel like home" excuse when trying to find a church.

Can I tell you that I wake up at 6am... I could wake up at 7, except I wake up an hour earlier because I LONG to be close to him and decided to spend 30 minutes with Him in the early hours and then 30 to reading the news (because I think I'm getting old or something) but it makes me sick to think I spend the whole hour reading the news, slowly getting breakfast when I could be getting to know the one who will never stop loving me. This is sin.

The good thing about bad things that happen in life is that it opens your eyes. Well a bad thing happened not so long ago, a thing I'd rather not get into but just know it's a sin. But in all the hurt and anger and pain and tears of this sin.... I have felt God just saying.... Just come close. I just want you...that's it.... thats what He's trying to tell me and I keep saying to Him, maybe later.

I am thankful for this season of my life...it's been a while since I've been in a valley. Too long have I pretended to be on a mountain top when really I think I've been in the lowest valley but just not admitting it. Well He showed me I am here, and that I can't do this alone... that I truly NEED Him. I don't want to get to the mountain top yet. I want to just let my Jesus wrestle with me down here. I think He has alot to teach me. To show me.

All I know for 100% certain is that He really really loves me. Just because. Not because I deserve it. But because He loves who I am. It's time for me to learn how to love me again, and let Him love me and learn to love Him back with all my heart.

Father. Hold me close. Don't let me go. Teach me to pray. Trust. Learn. Grow. Love. Give. Heal.
Please keep pursuing me... My knight in shining armor...My Jesus my Saviour.